Sometimes there are no words

Okay, so this is it. My first blog post about my new writing adventure and I’m terrified. You’d think that at my age, having conquered my share of “firsts” throughout my work career, I wouldn’t be so scared. But there it is.

No matter how often I’ve read it written by seasoned professionals, I have not been prepared for the overwhelming feelings of vulnerability I’ve suffered writing this story FIND YOUR WAY HOME and sharing it with others. And, soon it will be available e-book and then the whole world can see it. oh boy…

I have found that when I try to verbalize these feelings with friends and family, I cannot find the words. Isn’t that a hoot? A “new” writer already at a loss for words?! My mind numbs up and I get all flustered, really upset actually, because I want to say so much, but nothing seems to be enough. Nothing covers it.

I was talking with my daughter about my fears (again!) and, in her wise way, she opened my eyes to the way God is right here with me in this struggle. She suggested that I write it all down. Ha! That’s it … and that worked! Here is what it’s like:

I stand here staring at it. It’s scary. The kind of scary that stops your breath, makes your head ache and makes your entire body freeze up. That kind of scary. The kind that you’re sure if you move even one foot forward, you can never come back from it. You will be scarred for life. You can never un-remember it or recover from it.

I stare at it longer. I try to study the mountain from all angles, telling myself to just approach it rationally, it can’t be that bad.

I get even more terrified. From all angles this mountain looks traumatically steep, the precipice so daunting that I can’t see the bottom. And my mind races … what about all the unknown terrifying obstacles that I will need to navigate as I careen down this death route?

I will never be able to do it. I freeze right there and I dig my heels in even further into the snow pack. I simply cannot do it. I simply cannot ski down this mountain. Who am I to think I should even try?

But the world, filled with its movers and shakers, those people who have taken that first step, they are pushing me. They say I must do it. Just go for it, everyone does it, what are you so scared of? They look at me with barely concealed disappointment, I know what they are thinking. And I agree with them. I am a coward.

But then … You … show up. I know you are speaking to me, but I have a hard time hearing you. My fear, and the voices of all these people, it’s deafening. I can’t hear you.

So, instead, you take my hand. You lead me towards the edge of the mountain – right to the precipice – and I lock up, frozen again. What? Even you? I thought I could trust you. Are you going to push me over? Tell me to just buck up and do it? Or, maybe you will gather me in your arms and we will fly down the mountain together in a showy example of your miraculous power?

But then, you do something unexpected, God. You look around and say, Let’s just take in the view for a while. Have you noticed? You can see forever from here.

And, as I look around, I see that you are right. It’s not so scary, and the view is amazing. And it’s true and it’s okay … sometimes, there are no words.

** Continue reading for more information on the new e-book “Find Your Way Home” by j Marie

…. those people and places. None of them seemed real anymore. It’s like that day his grandparents came in June, he packed up all he had. And it all fit in a duffel bag….

Where are you supposed to go when you’re a thirteen-year-old city kid, your mom has just been thrown in jail for a repeat DUI drug charge, and you’ve never even met the man who is your father? You certainly can’t count on your mom’s latest drug dealer boyfriend to offer any support – he’s basically kicking you to the curb, making it abundantly clear he couldn’t care less what happens to you.

These are the circumstances facing Elliott, a troubled young teen learning to deal with his lot in life, as the novel Find Your Way Home opens. Through his personal, soul searching inner voice, the reader is brought into Elliott’s world which is darkened by the effects of his mother’s drug and alcohol addiction and the physical abuse at the hands of her boyfriend. Even though, at first, he doesn’t see it as such, his saving grace is found in his grandparents’ insistence that he live with them on their rural Minnesota farm while his mother serves her time in prison and state-mandated treatment program.

It’s in the quaint, lakeside town of Lake Belle, Minnesota near his grandparents’ farm, that Elliott crosses paths with the Eastman kids, Daniel and his sister Lauryn. To Elliott, the Eastman kids embody everything he is not – where his life is filled with chaos and dysfunction, their lives seem to be easy and carefree. Over the course of a summer and then a few years, the kids form a close friendship, with an especially poignant bond developing between Elliott and Lauryn. And, together as friends, they face struggles in both of their families, and find that their friendship is tested by life, college, careers and the prospects for love.

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